From the Director: Project Updates

When 2018 began, I had one major goal in mind for myself and that was this: put fear in the back seat. I’d just finished reading “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert and it had spun me into a reading spree of books of a similar nature, such as “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield and “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin.

 As silly as it likely seems, these each fed into the attitude that kept telling me to stop and just pursue what I was really wanting to pursue.

 Stop making other things priorities that are not. Stop feeding relationships that are entirely bullshit or one-sided. Stop waiting for someone to be my advocate and be my own biggest advocate instead. The only thing I can control in my situation is me and so I better be putting all of myself into what I want.

I can’t wait for luck, I just gotta go.

 #notthrowingawaymyshot

 So here I am.

 I started saying ‘yes’ to more things and started seeking more meaningful relationships and experiences. One of those experiences is directing. I kept asking myself why I hadn’t directed anything even though I’d wanted to for years. I had just been stamping that part of myself out for years. I don’t even know why. Perhaps it’s because I think I can be a good producer and that makes me feel safe somehow. Maybe it’s because I don’t know if I could even be a good director.

 God knows, I know so many men that don’t seem to question this.

 I started to wonder how I got into this mind set. In a lot of ways, it stemmed from not believing I could be someone with something relevant to say. This was where I could really see how I had allowed fear to get behind the wheel.

 So I decided to put a screenwriter’s group together where I could flex my creative muscles a bit and build relationships with other writers/directors that can offer advice.

 I didn’t expect that heading into 2019, this writer’s group would still be going strong. Whether it’s been the unique group of individuals or the fact that everyone wants to tell stories at the end of the day, the group has helped me develop something that means a lot to me personally.

 They’ve given me notes, heard my stories and thoughts and emotions poured out for months. They helped me feel the story out. It wasn’t until I realized I was ready to direct it that I even felt like I had written something.

 Suddenly, I could see it popping off the page and becoming a real film.

 I immediately thought, well shit, this is a lot of vulnerability for me to direct. As it stands, I’m just hoping that’s fear being a backseat driver.

 It feels really good to be telling a story that is so deeply important to me. Am I nervous to direct it? You betcha. I have an idea in my head of the kind of director I am or will be. I’ve directed small projects before but nothing of this scale. This time it’s really different. It means a lot more.

 Despite feeling like an imposter, it somehow also feels like exactly the right thing I should be doing. And I wouldn’t be honest if I said that’s a feeling I’m used to.

-Katie